Just a little vent...

So how come when I have tons to do, NONE of it gets done & I get all freaked out and when I have nothing to do, I long for projects & things to do but usually when I get time to do things I am too tired to do them? That all sounds confusing as I re-read it but you know what I mean... Ugh... I am in a funk.... and how come my blog hasn't had any "Bizzy B's" stuff posted on it in a while? Oh let me see, that's because I've not had time to do any and when I have, I'm too dang exhausted to even try or start a project! :(....UGH....the thing is, when I have time, which is usually when Shelby is in bed or down for a nap or a weekend, I don't want to do anything but rest and spend time w/ Josh & Shelby. It's tough being a full-time mom, wife, employee and creative all at the same time! I'm on a 9 month contract, like school teachers, so I get the summers off so I AM HOPING I am more motivated by then to be as creative as I used to be. I lie awake a lot of nights w/ ALL these ideas and designs of things I could do but never do them.
I feel lost. Like my days are all a blur and that I'm not glorifying God at all. I don't know what to do. I want to develop Bizzy B's into what I feel it should be; the dream I have for it; I want to be the best mom I can for Shelby, the best wife I can be for Josh and I feel like I do none of that b/c I'm so flippin exhausted from my day. I feel like a gerbal on a wheel just goin round and round for 8-10 hours a day accomplishing nothing. I feel like anything I do is never good enough or accomplishes anything for good.
I need prayer and uplifting and peace. I have none of that right now in my heart. I feel so lost and confused to what God wants me to do w/ my life. I know not everyone can truly know everything you're supposed to be and do w/ your life but I just want a glimmer. I meant I went to college, graduated w/ a Bachelor of Arts in Graphic Design and Art History; two things I love and for what?? To sit and stare at for 8-10 hours a day on my desk. I LOVED college and doing art every day and now...that's a different story. I cannot tell you the last time I painted anything or picked up a drawing pencil. I was good, and I'm not being boastful, but I was! I was dang good! I've sold art, my high school school district purchased a piece of my art for the Superintendent's Office, I won numerous ribbons in art shows and now look at me...I've not painted or drawn anything like that since college and that's been 5 years now...I KNOW God has created me to be creative and has given me those talents and abilities. He did not make me to be a mathematician, scientist, writer, or anything like that; He made me to be a creative being and I am wasting His creation daily. I do not want Shelby to grow up and realize what I used to be and wonder why I no longer do those things and do not use the talents God has given me. I think one of the most hurtful and eye-opening statements that's been told to me is that, "you are not using the talents God has given you. You need to use them..." that hits home really hard, but IT'S TRUE! I do use my voice more than before (I help sing on the Praise Team at church) but I know I only do that b/c Josh is the worship leader at our church.
This has turned into more than "just a little vent"...
my heart is hurting and confused....
sorry no pics...not right now...