Monday, September 29, 2008

I don't care

Hello! I just wanted to ask for prayer because I go BACK to my dr. for my usual monthly check-up tomorrow (Tuesday, Sept. 30). I'm not quite sure what he'll say or even do but I'm assuming the same O same O. yippee... I'm really not wanting to go because I'm actually tired of hearing about it all. I'm tired of me having this unknown reason to why we aren't pregnant yet and I'm tired of being a guinea pig to where we just keep "trying". I don't like the medicine, Clomid, because it makes me a crazy person for almost 3 of the 4 weeks each month I take it (I only take it for 5 days so it's some pretty strong stuff for only 50mg). I just need peace and closure. I'm no longer making this the priority in my life. I've made my relationship w/ GOD the #1 priority in my life as well as my relationship w/ my husband. I know he's tired too. We don't ever talk about this and it's become such a burden really to even think about. I've now got the attitude of "I don't care". Josh has always had the attitude of "what will be, will be" and that drives me nuts but ya know, I'm beginning to think he's got the right attitude. Nothing I seem to try to control is working so why bother anymore? God is in control of this, not me w/ my OCD habits.
This week, I've got more on my plate than I can handle but at least it's keeping my mind of our conception issue, or excuse me, MY conception issue. Josh is fine...I'm the one w/ the "Unknown problem." Anyway... sewing this week is keeping me busy and A LOT more is to come! I'll post more pic's of my finished projects when I can! I'll be off work ALL day tomorrow (one good thing about my dr. visit) so I will update you on how the visit went as well as my new finished projects!
Keep us in your prayers
~God Bless

3 comments:

Jen said...

Bekah,
I stumbled upon your blog while reading someone else's awhile back. I knew Josh back in high school (we actually dated for awhile) and have known the Kee family for as long as I can remember. I was scanning your blog one day and noticed that you mentioned infertility. My husband and I fought our own battle with infertility so your story interested me. There have been several times that I wanted to leave a comment and let you know that I was thinking of you all and that you are in my prayers but I always talked myself out of it. Your latest post struck a chord with me and I just had to comment this time. I don't know the specifics of your situation but from what I've read on your blog it sounds similar to what we went through. My husband was checked our and deemed perfectly normal (of course!) and so he took a position similar to what Josh seems to be taking through the whole ordeal. I went through the Clomid cycles and actually went as high as 250 mg (talk about making you crazy!). I was then deemed a clomid failure by my doctor because I never ovulated even at that high dosage. The doctor that I used at that time told me that I would have to go to Little Rock to the speciality clinic to go any further with treatment. Our insurance was not going to pay for much more than a consultation so we had to put things on hold. After a lot of thought, I realized that what we had been doing was treating the symptoms (which obviously was not working). So, I decided to obsessively search for the source. I went to a local doctor (Dr. Franks) and explained my symptoms to him (unexplained weight gain, no period since getting off birth control, etc.) and told him that I wanted to find the source. After lots of blood work, referral to an endocrinologist, MRIs, you name it Dr. Franks concluded that my insulin/glucose ratio was off which suggested I had a mild form of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which threw my entire system out of whack. I started taking a drug called Metformin which worked to get my ratio back in line. We completely quit "trying" and just spent time letting the medication do its job. After the first month or so my body seemed to be getting back on track and 4 months later it was a total surprise to find out that I was pregnant. I know I'm just a crazy stranger but I'm telling you all of this in hopes that it will renew your hope as you go into your appt. tomorrow. I remember sitting there every month looking at all the pregnant women in the waiting room and just wanting to crawl into a hole. I was working in a school district at the time that had a high rate of teen pregnancy so I had to see 4-5 pregnant teens every day in the hall which was excruciating. I learned during that year and a half exactly what it means when God answers your prayers with "wait". I just thought it was the perfect time for us to have a baby. I just didn't realize until I actually became pregnant and looked back at it all and realized that God had bigger plans for us. He opened so many doors for us in that year and a half and we were truly ready to be parents when we were blessed with Owen. If Clomid does not work for you, you may want to look further into finding the source. Above all, keep your eyes on the Lord and hold fast. I will keep you in my prayers and if you ever need to talk to someone who has been there, I'd be happy to share more of our story.

Jennifer (Bohannan)Green
jengreenslp@gmail.com

Meredith said...

Bekah, know I am praying so for you! God is in control. Try not to get discouraged.

DeAnna said...

Your huband sounds like mine, he was always the optimist, and I was, well, I just wasn't. I guess they are built to be our rocks. But its also so different for men. As much as my husband wanted to be a father, it wasn't like it was thrown in his face as much. We women, get to go to the baby showers, here the pregnancy stories, see all the cute maternity clothes... Even now when I talk to my husband about how I wouldn't change anything, but how I still sometimes wish, just wonder what it would be like to be pregnant. He admits he doesn't really get it, but he's a guy, they assume they'll be dads, but they don't dream of it all their lives, pretend it, even think of baby names in grade school. :) Yes, definitely make enjoying every minute of time with your husband a priority. I really believe God will bless you and you will look back at this time and see Him working. Although, we had children much later than we hoped, we at least look back and are thankful for the time we had as just us. It just made our marriage even stronger and being parents even more special. I just said a prayer for you and I hope the appointment went ok - as ok as THOSE appointments can go. :)