My heart is heavy...
The past few days have been an overwhelming flood of emotions. Yesterday I was filled with sorrow, disbelief, confusion, anger, frustration, and just exhaustion. Today, I faced the morning with determination for answers and peace. Today, I had a follow-up doctor's appointment and though I had nothing exciting to tell him, I wanted him to tell me something new and wonderful. I have very unrealistic ideas and shaded views sometimes and this was one of them. I guess I wanted a miracle but instead got more advice and "instructions" on the next step in our journey. I was mad. I was mad at myself, my body, my doctor for not "fixing" this, but most of all I was mad at God. Mad at Him for allowing all this suffering and yet bringing the very thing I want and pray for EVERY waking and breathing moment to 2 unmarried teens waiting for their first sonogram in the VERY SAME waiting room. They are filled with excitement and joy while I sat and waited to hear what the next plan was for my "infertility," as my chart says, and soak the carpet with my tears. I got helpful news and am continuing on the journey God has and my doctor has for us.
Through all this, God has shown me his TRUE beauty and that what we are going through is not a trial but simply growing pains. God is using us through this heartache to mature as Christians, a married couple from God and as future parents. My anger towards God is selfish but He wants me to come to Him with my emotions, no matter what they are. I've mentioned to several friends that God works in us and through us when we're broken and y'all, I'M BROKEN and cannot wait to see what God does through my brokeness.
I read the blog by Angie, Bring the Rain, almost every day and sometime back she had this video posted on the day Nicol (the singer from Selah) and her husband buried their baby boy. Even though the words to this song mean much more to her and her husband, this song has a different meaning to me and I am in need of Resurrection and to see the beauty from the suffering we've faced and will face in the days to come.
(You'll have to scroll to the bottom of my blog to turn off the music player.)
Again, please remember us in your prayers.
God Bless
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1 comment:
I am so sorry to hear of your struggle and find myself identifying with EVERYTHING you just talked about! The desire of my heart is to be a parent...and last week I was listening to a friend talk about this being her last pack of birth control and they hoped to be pregnant shortly after. She then said to me, "Oh yea, what about your stuff? How is that going?" It wasn't her intention to be flippant or hurtful, she doesn't doesn't understand and I have to keep that at the forefront of my mind!
I'm praying for you! And I'm right there with ya!
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