See, not many know this and I feel it's time to share and blog about this, but back in late December and January I wasn't myself and hadn't been for a while. I've always had issues w/ my female health and wellness since we've been married and found out birth control is not an option for me. I am considered "infertile" so it doesn't matter anyway...LOL.. I "Lol" lightly to hide the hurt though....You can read the jist about the struggle we had to get Shelby here... I've had crazy cycles and there's not a diagnosis for my struggle. Shelby being almost 4, we never prevented a second child after having her, not only because it's never been an issue and we are open to another baby. After visitng my doctor, the discussion of my age and difficulty getting pregnant came up and basically if we want another child, we would have to have fertility treatments again like before when we were trying for Shelby. That was enough to make me breakdown because I HATED THOSE DAYS....the meds made me insane and a wreck and the scheduling and pressure was too much and a heavy burden because I am the problem. My body is the issue not Josh. So after hearing that, I began to pray for God to show me what His will was and to erase any glimpse of my wants.
Back to late December and January.... not feeling right and all and then something strange happened... I began bleeding and it didn't stop for WEEKS UPON WEEKS... this began to worry me because I've never done this and even with my uncertain cycle this type of thing never occurred. I thought in the back of my mind that maybe I was pregnant but then that vanished because I was having a "period," so I thought. After 4 weeks of this goin off and on, I took a test and it was negative. So I just dismissed it and dealt w/ the discomfort and pain. The thought kept creeping in though so I took another test a week later and it was again negative. I kept this cycle going for several days and then decided I was going to take one more and it was positive, very faint, but positive..... I called my doctor and they gathered all my information up about what had been goin on and my symptoms and such and said I was indeed pregnant but was miscarrying. The nurse who was there holding my hand as I was in discomfort in labor with Shelby and was there as my doctor's assistant in my c-section, confirmed that according to my last cycle I had been about 8.5-9 weeks along and that my body had been cleaning itself and there wasn't going to be a need for me to come in and have a D&C or any other procedure unless I kept bleeding several more weeks or had any other issues.
A Miscarriage?? Seriously?? How?? How could I have been so careless and stupid to not know I was pregnant and not take care of that life that was growing? A lot had gone on during the time I was pregnant and I didn't know...that left a LOAD of guilt and questions that I caused this and that I hurt the baby.
God said otherwise....
there was NOTHING anyone did to cause the baby to pass away and not develop. But what I learned through this AWFUL pain and shock was that God is bigger than ANY diagnosis. I could in fact, get pregnant on our own and that God could bless us and through this He has. He's brought me back to His side and realize that EVERY moment with the blessings He's given us, are precious and not to be taken for granted. It simply wasn't our time for a baby and Shelby may be the only child we ever have, and I'm finding contentment in this option.
That's what I'm studying right now in my new girls study, Contentment. Contentment like Paul found and developed through Christ. He had the secret and I want that! I've learned that through the darkest valley's there's ALWAYS a glorious mountain top. I've not quite reached that peak yet but I see it and it's coming.
For now, I'm focused on THESE blessings....
2 comments:
I am so sorry to read this. God definitely works in mysterious ways sometimes. Most of the time you don't understand the struggles until you get to the good part and then look back on the hard parts. I'll keep you in my prayers.
I'm sorry you had to go through that! But it is comforting to know you're not alone in that struggle... we share many of the same experiences. I hope you're blessed with another precious little one very soon! :)
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