being a mom is THE HARDEST JOB EVER, yet the most fulfilling and highest paid. We never get vacation or sick leave. Calling in cause you just don't want to go, is NOT an option. There is always something to do and be done or should've already been done.
I'm in a difficult stage of motherhood: Balancing the newness of having 2 kids. My OCD of keeping the house clean, laundry done, everything "just so," has GONE OUT THE WINDOW... Taking a shower is no longer relaxing but a race! A "bath" isn't even an option! Eating together as a family consists of Shelby eating as soon as she gets home cause she's "STARVING (SHE SAYS)," Rhett nursing wherever I can find a place to plant myself cause I can't watch and do whatever shelby needs in the nursery, Josh eating whenever he gets home & me scarfing down my meal, that's usually luke warm, while placing rhett down or in Josh's care all while trying to be pleasant and hear about everyone's day. We rarely have a meal all at the table but when we do, I cherish it! Eating out, well it's chaos (in my eyes anyway) but I'm gettin it. Not to mention nursing...I'm not comfortable nursing in public so I usually am stuck in the car nursing. I'm so glad that Rhett is doing so well nursing but being tied down is exhausting and a bit nerve-racking at times. The feeling of being caged overwhelms me a lot. I look at Josh and Shelby outside playing while I'm inside cause it's too hot or he's asleep or he's nursing or .... whatever reason I can't be involved with them... it's getting to me...
this face is precious and these days are precious, but I find myself longing for the days before when life wasn't so hard...
Rhett is a miracle and that's the reality check/slap in the face I get a lot. We weren't supposed to have one baby, not to mention 2!! These days are a season and I will look back and probably miss SOME of it...
oh the chubbyness & spit bubbles...
This starting over is hard. I'm sure it's just as hard, if not harder, to have younger babies closer in age, but just because I have an almost 5 year old... yeah that's happening IN A WEEK and I'm not taking it well nor is it easy to plan yet another fantastic DIY birthday bash for my baby girl....
ok, side tracked...
what was I saying? OH YEAH...
Just because I have an almost 5 year old and a 13 week old doesn't mean I have a "Big Helper" and life is a cake walk because it's not, mostly because of my part. I tend to make things a lot more difficult than if I would just go with the flow and let the messes happen. I don't know how many times I've been told, "your home doesn't need to be perfect all the time." But to me, it does and it's not...and by home, I don't just mean the physical house. This is the human in me. The Christian in me knows that perfection is not attainable until I will be with my Lord and Savior.
Life is just different now and it's hard. I've got to let myself be more lenient and laid back. I've not been the best wife and mother to these babies because of how uptight and strict I think things need to be, and for that I'm sorry. The schedule doesn't have to always be kept, the house doesn't have to always be clean... Sitting and enjoying cuddles, messy sticky fingers, glitter in the rug because she made a pretty picture and baby clothes on the floor in the nursery because he's so healthy he keeps peeing through them...that's what's up... these are GOOD things...
I'm preaching to myself mainly in this post because I'm seeing how big of a let-down I have been by my attitude and actions lately. Messes are ok and letting shelby be a kid is what she needs. She will start kindergarten in less than 2 months and she's gone from under my wing and that terrifies me! I don't know if I'm acting this way because I want more control of her since I'll be losing it or what. Rhett is in the stage that he needs me...only me and that's very hard because I was used to so long being only meant for Shelby's needs and now that's not the case and it kills me. I want to be the one who is there and with her for every "first" like I've always been and be the one to sit with her in the yard and stare at the clouds and slide down the slip in slides and stuff...but now I can't. I always have a baby in my arms...this is the season I'm in. I feel guilty because I want my relationship I had with shelby back and feel as if it's been tarnished because I'm responsible for 2 babies now. I love rhett w/ all my heart but my heart breaks for having to give-up the "us" time Shelby and I had each day.
Shelby starting Kindergarten will be the hardest day I've had to go through I think and I dread letting her go. I am looking forward to hearing all her adventures and stories because she will love it but I will miss her every second of the day!
I know this sounds like I have a favorite child but I don't. They both have favorite things I love the most of each one. I love the cute baby things Rhett does and the funny and cute big girl things Shelby does...
Motherhood is hard....
that's all i know to say... it's just hard...
but I'm blessed to be their mother and God is overwhelming my life with His love and the responsibility to love these babies and be their momma...
thank You Lord...
thank you...
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